Singing My Blues Away

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This COVID-19 pandemic, now on its second year, has been one of the worst experiences I’ve had in this lifetime. I had hoped against all hope that no one in the family gets COVID, but my Nanay and my sister caught the dreaded virus. They both survived it, however, and we all thought it was the end of our pandemic woes. But lo and behold, we lost our Nanay last month.

While she gave a hint to the head nurse at the dialysis center the day before she died that that was to be her last dialysis treatment, none of us in the family learned about it, and none of us (my father and us her children) had any premonition that her time was so near. Had I known that she’d pass on that day, I would have made one last phone or video call the previous night for one final look at her.

I have been quiet for a few days not posting anything on my blog or social media accounts because the realization that Nanay is gone has finally sunk in. I am MISSING her a lot. There are so many things left unsaid and so many things left undone. I wish to see her and talk to her even if it’s just in my dream. I am still waiting for this to happen.

Two days ago, I lit a candle for Nanay in the balcony of our condo unit. I clearly remembered having gotten the pack of white candles and a lighter before I went out, but I guess I was spaced out that day because my son told me that night that I was wondering why there was a candle scent somewhere and that I also asked him earlier for a lighter when I already had it with me.


My longing for Nanay has made me turn back to one of my first loves: singing. I’ve recently downloaded an app called StarMaker and have been singing my loneliness away for 10 days in a row. II did not want to do anything else but sing. I sang my heart out, releasing all the pain and feelings I’ve been keeping inside. I guess the act of singing also made me feel closer to Nanay somewhat, wherever she may be right now.

Apart from the songs that I like, I sang songs for her (“Wind Beneath My Wings,” “Sa Ugoy ng Duyan,” “Tears in Heaven,” and “Kung Tayo’y Magkakalayo”). I also sang songs that she used to sing (“Fly Me to the Moon” and the recently deleted “Sad Movies”) and lastly, songs that will give me enlightenment and comfort during my period of grief (“All I Ever Have to Be,” “My Father’s Eyes,” and “El Shaddai”).

I look forward to the day when I can finally let go of the hurt and loneliness over Nanay’s passing. For now, bear with me a little more as I sing and sing some more for me and for Nanay.

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21 Responses

  1. Awww tlagang nagsabi pa po si nanay na last dialysis na . Nkakalungkot tlga itong ngyayareng pandemic . Sending hugs 🤗 po mommy , tama po yan kakanta tayo para kahit papaano malibang at mwala ung sakit na nrrmdaman natin . Keep safe po always ❤️😇

  2. aww nakakalungkot man po pero i know naman na si nanay e nasa mabuti na pong kalagayan un ay sa piling ni Lord po, magkaganun man alam q na madami naman po siyang naiwan na masasayang alaala sa puso at isipin nyo po isa na po dun ung mga paboritong awitin nya, kapag kumakanta ka po siguro pakiramdam nyo po kasama nyo lang xa noh nakakamiss nga ung ganyan minsan nga maiiyak ka pa po e hayy ok lang po yan mommy tetcha, kapag need mo ng kausap nandito lang po kami, loveyou po ingat po lagi lalo na po ngayon, pinagpi-PRAY q po tlaga lagi na maging ok na po lahat at wala ng magkasakit pa hayy stay safe po mommy 🙏🏻❤

  3. Nakakalungkot po talaga ang mga pangyayari ngayon simula nung nagkapandemic. Talagang nakaka miss po ang dati and I know po si nanay is nasa piling na ni Lord and nasa mabuting kalagayan po 🙏🏻 Stay stong po mommy techa sending hugs po ❤️ Talagang ang mga memories po ni nanay ay hinding hindi makakalimutan. Nagbanggit na po pala sya na last dialysis nya. Nakakalungkot po ang nangyari 🙁 True po nakaka alis din po ng pain ang pagkanta keep safe always po ❤️

  4. It’s really saddening to lose someone you love dearly, it will take time before you will able to accept their passing. It is okay to feel that way and sing your heart out. Sending you virtual hugs po, may God comfort you.

  5. Sobrang nakakalungkot naman po , pero alam naman natin si nanay nasa mabuting kalagayan napo sya ngayon at kasama nya si lord. Alam natin sobrang hirap at hindi madali ang mga pangyayari pero kailangan padin natin tanggapin, at hindi nawawala si lord sa tabi natin para bantayan tayo. Yan din po ang isa sa mga ginagawa ko ang kumanta , para kahit papaano mabawas bawasan ang lungkot ko. Para malibang at mabawasan ang sakit ng nararamdaman natin. Nandito lang po kami mommy tetcha kung kailangan nyo po ng kausap huwag po kayong mahihiyang lumapit sa amin .LoveLove Virtual hugs po 💖

  6. Itong pinakamahirap na experience yung hirap na nga tayo gawa ng pandemic iniwan pa ng isa sa mahal natin sa buhay.Yung pakiramdam na din na durog na durog na tayo.Keep strong po Ms.Tetcha good to know po na meron kayo bago libangan. Para di kayo gaano malungkot we support you always po no matter what.

  7. I’m so sorry for your loss sis. It’s good that you found an outlet to let go of your emotions. Losing some very dear to you is not very easy. I lost my brother before the pandemic broke out. Sending prayers your way.

  8. Nakakalungkot po talaga ang mga nangyayari ngayon. So sorry for your loss po. Pakatatag lang po. Pagdasal po natin na matapos na ang mga pagsubok sa buhay natin lalo na ang pandemyang itong marami nang kinuhang buhay. Laban lang po sa buhay. God bless us all.

  9. I know how it feels, the longer they’re done, the deeper it hurts because you greatly miss their presence and them just being around. I felt the same way when my grandma and grandpa died. It took me so long to recover but life must go on and I guess we just have to remember and keep them in our hearts forever.

  10. Sa Ugoy ng Duyan is my lullabye when i was younger. even now, it works for me. My Nanay sang it for me everytime it’s time to me to sleep. It’s been a year since I last went home and I miss her hugs badly. Hang in there, the pain will never go away, I think, but be at peace that your mom no longer feels the troubles of this world.

  11. Music brings back memories. My Dad used to play old songs (Sinatra-era, and the like!) and whenever I hear those songs, my childhood memories with him splashed back.
    I’m sorry for your loss.

  12. My condolences to you and prayers for your Nanay. It’s hard to lose a loved one but because of the pandemic, we all feel vulnerable. There’s this lingering feeling that somebody close to us could be next. Just this year, I lost an aunt and an uncle due to the virus. Anyway, this song is supposed to be a lullaby but I’ve always thought of it as a sad song.

  13. super ganda nitong song na ito ano? im sure lalo mo namiss yung mom mo. i remember nun around january, my uncle asked my sister’s fiance to record this song and changed nanay to mamang. nakaka touch lalo.

    1. Be strong sis! I know its hard to loose a love one pero need natin bumangon and move on for the sake of our other family member. Kaya mo yan, if you need to mourn do it, basta lang bumangon ka ulet para sa family. Virtual hug sis!

  14. I am so sorry for your lost. This made me video chat my mother, it’s been a long time since I visited their home because of the pandemic. Sending also virtual hugs. I have StarMaker installed in my phone. I enjoyed using it

  15. So sorry for your loss. It’s not easy to pass through this stage. I mean we all will pass this stage. I just hope I am strong enough to handle it.

  16. I’m sorry for your loss. I can relate because my grandmother, who raised me, passed away less than an hour after I left home (I can’t recall if I was at school or an event). I even gave her a towel because she was taking a bath before I headed out. And then, that’s it, no goodbyes.

    Keep singing your heart out as long as you need.

  17. I’m sorry for your loss. It’s really hard to lose someone we really love.
    Sending you a virtual hug sis and continue singing if it’s the only way to ease the pain.
    I am sure you’re mom is watching from above. She will guide you!

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This blog was originally put up to document my son’s growing-up milestones, all for posterity’s sake. But there are other things to write about, aside from “mommyhood,” that merit my attention, and I’m including them all here. This blog now chronicles my life as a mom and a wife and everything else in between. For collabs, please email tgfiguerres@yahoo.com.

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