This COVID-19 pandemic, now on its second year, has been one of the worst experiences I’ve had in this lifetime. I had hoped against all hope that no one in the family gets COVID, but my Nanay and my sister caught the dreaded virus. They both survived it, however, and we all thought it was the end of our pandemic woes. But lo and behold, we lost our Nanay last month.
While she gave a hint to the head nurse at the dialysis center the day before she died that that was to be her last dialysis treatment, none of us in the family learned about it, and none of us (my father and us her children) had any premonition that her time was so near. Had I known that she’d pass on that day, I would have made one last phone or video call the previous night for one final look at her.
I have been quiet for a few days not posting anything on my blog or social media accounts because the realization that Nanay is gone has finally sunk in. I am MISSING her a lot. There are so many things left unsaid and so many things left undone. I wish to see her and talk to her even if it’s just in my dream. I am still waiting for this to happen.
Two days ago, I lit a candle for Nanay in the balcony of our condo unit. I clearly remembered having gotten the pack of white candles and a lighter before I went out, but I guess I was spaced out that day because my son told me that night that I was wondering why there was a candle scent somewhere and that I also asked him earlier for a lighter when I already had it with me.
My longing for Nanay has made me turn back to one of my first loves: singing. I’ve recently downloaded an app called StarMaker and have been singing my loneliness away for 10 days in a row. II did not want to do anything else but sing. I sang my heart out, releasing all the pain and feelings I’ve been keeping inside. I guess the act of singing also made me feel closer to Nanay somewhat, wherever she may be right now.
Apart from the songs that I like, I sang songs for her (“Wind Beneath My Wings,” “Sa Ugoy ng Duyan,” “Tears in Heaven,” and “Kung Tayo’y Magkakalayo”). I also sang songs that she used to sing (“Fly Me to the Moon” and the recently deleted “Sad Movies”) and lastly, songs that will give me enlightenment and comfort during my period of grief (“All I Ever Have to Be,” “My Father’s Eyes,” and “El Shaddai”).
I look forward to the day when I can finally let go of the hurt and loneliness over Nanay’s passing. For now, bear with me a little more as I sing and sing some more for me and for Nanay.